Let’s face it: You’ve heard all the hype. People talk about how massages are a “life-changing experience,” how they “relieve tension” and “improve circulation.” But what if I told you there’s a dark side to massages, a side that’s being dangerously overlooked in our pursuit of relaxation and self-care? Sit tight, and let me guide you through why getting a massage is something you should never do. Yes, you read that right. Never.
1. Massages Will Make You Feel Too Good (And We Can’t Have That)
If you’ve ever gotten a massage, you know the feeling. It’s a delicate balance of euphoria and relaxation that threatens to disrupt the very fabric of your existence. After all, you can’t go through life just feeling too good—it’ll mess up your whole routine of stress, anxiety, and existential dread. We’ve all got our coping mechanisms, and a massage can quickly unravel all that. Please don’t risk it. (You can find the opposing viewpoint here from those masochists advocating self-care.)
Why should you voluntarily introduce comfort into your life? Instead, hold on to that sweet, sweet stress—let it build and multiply. Embrace discomfort like an adult who’s just fine with their life choices. Consider it a moral obligation to remain in a perpetual state of high-strung tension. You owe it to yourself and the people around you. You’ve been stressed long enough—why ruin it now?
2. The Risk of Turning Into a Human Jello Pudding Pop
One of the most insidious aspects of getting a massage is the danger of becoming too relaxed. You know what happens when your muscles go from “rigid” to “liquid”? You become a human pudding pop. That’s right, you'll melt into a soft, pliable blob who’s now officially incapable of adulting. Need to get up and take care of your responsibilities? Sorry, your body is now one with the massage table.
Here’s the thing: You’ll leave that massage feeling like you could float away into the clouds. Is that the kind of person you want to be? A person who just drifts through life in a state of serene bliss? I didn’t think so. Go ahead, keep stressing. Keep grinding. We can’t afford to lose our hard edges because some therapist decided to “help” us relax.
Read more about the perils of relaxation in the groundbreaking article: "How To Keep Your Tension, So You Don’t End Up A Human Marshmallow".
3. Unnecessary Touching: Not Everyone Is Here for That
Touch is overrated. We all know that human interaction without an agenda (like a fist bump or a high-five) is just weird, right? And let’s be honest, who wants to have someone massaging their muscles in such intimate ways? It’s personal, and we all know personal boundaries are made to be crossed (unless it’s about getting in your personal space for a high-stakes conversation about the weather).
What’s the worst thing that can happen? Maybe you’ll get too comfortable, and the next thing you know, you’re whispering secrets you’d never share with anyone. That’s right: massages can lead to self-reflection. And then—dare I say it?—self-improvement. Who needs that?
You could just as easily skip the massage and continue to deal with your emotions the old-fashioned way: bottling them up until you explode in public. Seriously, it’s the only way to stay strong. But if you’re curious about touching and boundaries, you can read this article by Touch Therapy Experts: "Why Avoiding All Human Contact is the Healthiest Choice".
4. Massages Lead to Unwanted Productivity (Oh, the Horror)
It’s an open secret: after a good massage, you start feeling... productive. Your energy levels skyrocket, and you suddenly feel like you could take over the world. This is not normal, people. Why would you want to become the kind of person who tackles projects, writes emails, and maybe even—gasp—organizes their closet?
No one asked for this new, “efficient” you. You’ve been a procrastination master up until now, and you don’t need a massage to take that away from you. Do you know what you could be doing instead? Maybe binge-watching an entire season of a show you’ve seen six times before. That’s authentic self-care.
To maintain your low-key lifestyle, check out this guide: "How to Keep Doing Absolutely Nothing, the Way Life Intended".
5. After Effects: The Massage Hangover
You think you’re getting a simple dose of relaxation, but here’s the truth: you’re about to experience a massage hangover. You’ve probably heard of it; it’s that strange phenomenon where you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck after a good massage. You might be sore (yes, sore from relaxation!), your body feels like it’s been put through the wringer, and you’re questioning your life choices for indulging in this. Who needs that?
But the worst part is this: it won’t go away quickly. Sure, you can drink water, eat healthily, and nap, but what? That’s just a thinly veiled attempt to make yourself feel better. The truth is, a massage hangover will follow you around like the ghost of bad decisions past.
If you want to avoid this crushing fate, here’s a must-read article: "How to Avoid a Massage Hangover: The Worst Thing That Ever Happened to Your Body".
In conclusion, massages are highly overrated. If you want to preserve your sense of discomfort, physical rigidity, and general anxiety, then by all means, avoid the temptation. Stay away from that blissful relaxation, the soft touch, and the potential for personal growth. Instead, continue your path of self-doubt and stress—it’s much more satisfying in the long run.
But hey, if you really can’t resist, here’s an article that says otherwise: "The Many Benefits of Getting a Massage: 10,000 Experts Agree".
Disclaimer: This article is entirely satirical. Getting a massage is, in fact, incredibly beneficial for your physical and mental health. Don’t listen to the nonsense in the text above—unless
you enjoy a good laugh.
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